I'm sorry

He had been working as a bag boy for five years,
so when the supermarket gets some brand new orange juice machines,
he is excited to be trying out a different job ...
but the manager says no.
"But I have been working here for five years.
Why can't I run the juice machines?"
"I am sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."

March Madness

Hey Dad,

Just for the record, I have Louisville, Duke, Memphis and North Carolina in my Final Four, with UNC over Memphis in the final game.

For integrity's sake,

Your Son

A day late, but still funny....

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An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it.

The son soon mailed his reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, Pa, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the guns!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes, Dad, it was the best I could do from here."

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Quote

The prophet Isaiah says all of us are like wandering sheep. We've all gone astray. Every one of us has followed our own sinful path and the Lord gathered all the iniquity of all of us and laid it on Him. This is the amazing reality that Jesus Christ, God's Son, is the sinless substitute for our sins. He offered Himself, the sinless One, for the sinful one. Every person has sinned, and for everyone who puts trust in Jesus Christ, that sin is paid for. This is at the heart of the Christian gospel, Jesus the sinless one, dying as a substitute for sinners... God, the judge, determining what the punishment must be, and executing it on his own Son. Then when we put our trust in Him, with His death applied to us, our sins are forever covered, and the righteousness of Christ is given to us. It is in this great truth of the Christian faith, in which, we rejoice supremely. This rescues us from eternal judgment and gives us eternal peace with God.

---John MacArthur

A list of church bulletin typos

Ah, church bulletins are ripe for all sort of mistakes. A samplings of actual church bulletin miscues:

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Top Ten Reasons I Don't Like Toddler Barf On The Saturday Morning Family Trip To Costco

10. That retching sound has an everlasting echo in your head.

9. Two words: oatmeal bits.

8. The rest of the kids have twenty questions about the origin of the word “barf”.

7. Someone has to clean up that car seat.

6. The smell embeds itself in your nosehairs.

5. It leads every child in the car to reminisce about their best upchuck experiences.

4. Evidently toddler barfs travel in pairs.

3. When dad mumbles under his breath while collecting oatmeal bits from the car interior, children suddenly remember previously forgotten Bible verse on “corruptible talk”.

2. Suddenly lower trade-in value on the SUV.

And the number one reason that I don’t like toddler barf on the Saturday morning family trip to Costco is…

1. Two words: Chain reaction.

My Lifesong

Okay, not really, but it could be....

No more stupid naps

Place this cartoon in a homeschool setting and you pretty much understand our household:

Special Governor Edition: Three things

1. I got to meet the governor last week. I was part of the planning committe for an event and he was our guest of honor. A couple of things stood out. First, his schedule was coordinated by the minute. He landed in Dallas and was on his way back to Austin is just under three hours. Second, he has some mean looking Texas Rangers with him at all times. (Texas Rangers are like ninjas with cowboy hats.) Finally, he greets everyone, but you feel like he was not really all that interested in you at all. That is a special talent, I suppose.
2. If you are a fan of live sporting events, you should look at eBay. You can get a pair of NBA or NHL tickets for just $0.99. Junior Underdog and I are going to see the Mavericks in a couple of weeks.
3. I feel really bad about that pastor that got shot this morning during the service. I am hopeful that, as the media descends upon this little church, the complete sovereignty of God over all things is comfirmed and exalted. God was not surprised by the events in that church service. I didn't know that pastor, but I would have to think that it would be glorious to be proclaiming the excellencies of Christ one moment and then, in the blink of an eye, face to face with the very One you were proclaiming.

Grace.

Three things

1. Easter is still several weeks off. In my little world, I am focused on surviving the next twenty four hours. I measure time in the increments between meetings or meals or male toddler bath nights. But as I read the gospels, I see that Jesus had a very central focus. Jesus was laser focused on that first Easter weekend. Even as He asserted His absolute sovereignty over the elements and the human body and forgiveness of sins and His enemies, the cross was never far from His mind. I read this week that once the devil understood that Jesus could not be deterred from laying down His life, the evil one determined to make Jesus' death as brutally painful as possible. Jesus must have seen crosses often as He walked the country side and shivered at the unshakeable knowledge that the Father's will would lead to that type of death. Everytime He entered the temple, He must have seen the spotless lambs headed to a bloody, sacrificial destiny. Jesus must have had conversations and meals and even laughed with Judas the betrayer, knowing that He was doing so with one who would have been better off unborn. And yet with all of the reminders, Jesus set His face like flint and was unstoppable in His determination to sacrifice Himself. So that He might bring me to God. Amazing grace indeed.
2. Peace Like A River by Leif Enger is one of the most enjoyable books I have ever read. I am now reading Gilead by Marilynne Robinson and it is pretty good as well. How did I miss all of the great fiction for so many years?
3. I think that I am now officially numb to the financial news. Once I settled on the fact that it was super bad, additional information just seemed like meaningless dog piling. My heart keeps beating and the sun rises every morning and I have not seen any hungry sparrows lately. So God still reigns in heaven and I have nothing to fear.

Slacker blog post

When you are slacking off on blogging, you post silly content: