This tongue in cheek (kinda)

The Evolution of Motherhood

Your Clothes

* 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

* 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

* 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name

* 1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

* 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

* 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth

* 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

* 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

* 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

* 1st baby: You cherish your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

* 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

* 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries

* 1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

* 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

* 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities

* 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

* 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

* 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

* 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

* 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

* 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

* 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

* 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

* 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

A few thoughts on social media...

The growth of social media is making my head hurt. Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Blogger, mySpace, YahooGroups.....Aspirin, please*. It seems to me that we have reached the point where you can have a circle of "friends" without developing any friendships. This may seem a little out of date, but I think it is a bummer that the art of conversation is becoming a lost art. Instead, we can broadcast the inane details of our day without investing any thought to make it interesting to our audience. There are certainly exceptions to this statement, but does anyone really need to share that they are about to park their car or shave the cat or read a book?

Perhaps this blog just contributes to the pile. And I do use Facebook as an outlet for smart alec one-liners that I find amusing. But I am wondering how these things might be better used to glorify God?

*Conan O'Brien had a good line the other night: "If you were to combine Facebook, Twitter, and mySpace, you would get MyTwitFace.

Classic

I love bunnies.

The poor, the lepers, the lame. Really?

I was reading Matthew 11 this morning. In this chapter, John the Baptist's disciple approach Jesus and ask him on behalf of the incarcerated John if Jesus is the One Who Is To Come. Because, frankly, He is not really doing what anyone expected of a Messiah. When is Jesus going to ride a stallion into battle with the Romans and spill the blood of Israels enemies? When is He going to act Davidic? When is He going to rebuild the glory days of the kingdom of Israel and make every other nation sorry for crossing them?

Jesus responds and tells them to tell John that they lame and the lepers are getting healed. The dead are being raised. The poor are hearing the kingdom news. Oh, and sorry if this approach is offensive to people. The Messiah is taking a little different approach than people might have expected. This kingdom will be more about exalting servanthood and less about a making war against the Roman occupiers. Jesus will seek to conquer people's hearts.

The Promised One was a Lamb whose purpose was sacrifice, not a king intent on conquest. I bet that was really tough news for John.

Just thinking out loud.....

This is really good. You should read it.

This was part of an interview that Abraham Piper did with Paul Tripp. Very wise:

What is the greatest hindrance to cultivating community in the American church?

The first thing that comes to mind is frenetic western-culture busyness.

I read a book on stress a few years back, and the author made a side comment that I thought was so insightful. He said that the highest value of materialistic western culture is not possessing. It's actually acquiring.

If you're a go-getter you never stop. And so the guy who is lavishly successful doesn't quit, because there are greater levels of success. "My house could be bigger, I could drive better cars, I could have more power, I could have more money."

And so we've bought an unbiblical definition of the good life of success. Our kids have to be skilled at three sports and play four musical instruments, and our house has to be lavish by whatever standard. And all of that stuff is eating time, eating energy, eating money. And it doesn't promote community.

I think often that even the programs of a local church are too sectored and too busy. As if we're trying to program godliness. And so the family is actually never together because they're all in demographic groupings. Where do we have time where we are pursuing relationships with one another, living with one another, praying with one another, talking with one another?

I've talked to a lot of families who literally think it's a victory to have 3 or 4 meals all together with one another in a week, because they're so busy. Well, if in that family unit they're not experiencing community, there's no hope of them experiencing it outside of that family unit.

We have families that will show up at our church on Sunday morning with the boys dressed in their little league outfits, and I know what's going to happen. They're going to leave the service early. Now what a value message to that little boy! Do I think little league is bad? I don't think it's bad at all. I think it's great. But they're telling him what's important as they do that.

You can't fit God's dream (if I can use that language) for his church inside of the American dream and have it work. It's a radically different lifestyle. It just won't squeeze into the available spaces of the time and energy that's left over.

Source

Its a small world after all....

Someone in the Sahara Desert read my blog. Unbelieveable.

Three thoughts

1. Most interesting comment of the weekend: I was talking with a new friend at a party that we attended and the conversation turned to music. She asked what kind of music I prefer, which provided me with a platform to espouse the breadth and depth of my musical appreciation (my iPod is a living tribute to musical variety or indecisiveness, depending on your viewpoint). She made the comment that she was at the age now (47, I think) when she values silence over the sound of music. That is difficult for me to comprehend, but maybe I am just not old enough.
2. I am excited that the newest Pixar movie, Up, has received such great reviews. One even said that the movie made them love their wife more. We won't get to see the movie until my parents visit later this month. I have a little bit of doubt because Wall-E got great reviews too and it was pretty pedestrian in my opinion. For $8.50, a movie better be brilliant.
3. I have to wonder about all the concern about Social Security. Two hundred years ago, there was no such thing. But now, the expectation is there that the government will pay people for an indeterminate amount of time based on deposit over finite period of time. Did anyone really think this would work? In my lifetime, Social Security will be over $40 trillion in the hole. Just another example of our country thinking we can buy something now and pay later. Sigh.

I invented a word

hu⋅min⋅nil⋅i⋅ty [hyoo-min-nil-i-tee] –noun: 1. a condition in which people think a person is being humble when in reality they simply cannot remember something 2. a combination of perceived humilty and senility.

Defining parenthood

The dictionary definition:

par⋅ent⋅hood [pair-uhnt-hood, par-] –noun: 1. the state, position, or relation of a parent; 2. the role of one who begets, gives birth to, or nurtures and raises a child; a father or mother.

The more realistic definition:

par⋅ent⋅hood [pair-uhnt-hood, par-] –noun: 1. a harrowing season of life in which a married human male and female are constantly challenged by immature, small people that eat everything and create messes; 2. a cause for great fear; 3. a cause for great hope; 4. the primary driver for the invention of Advil; 5. a role for which no book can fully prepare you; 6. the primary driver behind the invention of industrial strength spot remover; 7. the most humbling thing on earth.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Underdog.

Mrs. Underdog, I am sorry that I inadvertently called you "Sweety Pie" yesterday. But you have to admit, it could have been much worse:

Additional things

Two postings in one day. I am out of control.

3a. I was reading with the kids tonight a summary of the account of Job. At the end of Job, God appears and asks Job a series of questions that he cannot answer. As I was reading it this evening it struck me that the tone of voice with which we read that passage is vital. Let's take this sample for instance:

Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements—surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

Now I have always read a bit of anger into those sentences. And perhaps that is right. But what if God spoke them with love? What if He laughed as He spoke those lines? Maybe pity in His voice. Something to think about....

3b. In that passage above, God made the stars sing. I bet most stars are a soft tenor. Except for the Red Dwarfs, which are obviously arrogant sopranos.

3c. My children's bladders are a finely coordinated group. They all are at optimum fullness just as I turn the engine in the family car to go somewhere. Just like Old Faithfuls.

3d. By God's grace, the older I get the better I am able to discern what is trivial and what is not. And, as it turns out, more is trivial than not.

Three things

1. As I read through the book of Matthew, I am consistently amazed at the number of miracles where Jesus simply makes something from nothing. Sometimes it is nerve endings that He creates. Sometimes He creates bread. I imagine this is one of the things that frustrated His opponents the most: His claim to be God was supported by creation events that could not happen with anyone else.
2. Our country really lost something when divorce lost its stigma. Sixty years ago, getting a divorce was difficult and was viewed with certain distain by society at large. Now divorce has become a drive-thru industry and so few people fight for their marriages. And there are people that view public divorces as if it is some sort of sporting event and they take sides and root for their team. Instead of rooting for reconcliation.
3. I was a little disappointed that I was not nominated for the Supreme Court. I am not sure that I am qualified. But I am not sure they are either.....

Laundry

I would like to dedicate this post to Mrs. Underdog and her committment to the Laundry game....

What the dog does when we're not home...

Except for football games, of course

Painful, but true

This was a post on Justin Taylor's blog a couple of days ago. I think that it is really important that we never lose the crucified Christ as the center of our faith. It is a bloody cross and not improved morality that we must represent.

A transcribed excerpt below from Russell Moore's excellent talk, "The Devil Votes Christian Values: Why We’re Tempted to be Glorified Satanists Rather than Crucified Followers." Dr. Moore shows that in Satan's third temptation of Christ he is willing to broker a deal with the Son of God: Satan will give up his authority over the external rule of the nations in exchange for keeping the power of accusation.

Satan ultimately has a power that is not found most importantly in moral decay or in cultural chaos. His power is in the authority to accuse. The power of accusation. The power of holding humanity captive through the fear of death and the certainty of judgment. Satan is not fearful of external conformity to rule. Not even to the external conformity of the rule of Christ--provided there is no cross.

Satan does not mind family values--as long as what you ultimately value is the family. Satan does not mind social justice--as long as you see justice as most importantly social.

Satan does not tremble at a Christian worldview. He will let you have a Christian worldview as long as your ultimate goal is viewing the world. Jesus will receive the kingdoms of the world, this crafty serpent thinks, then he can hand them to him apart from the shedding of blood at the cross.

Apart from the overthrow of the demonic powers through the empty tomb.

Apart from a reconciliation between a holy God and a renegade humanity.

If he can just bypass the cross--and get to the kingdom apart from the cross--then he will have everything that he wants.

Pastor: Satan doesn't mind if you preach on the decrees of God with fervor and passion every single week--provided that you do not ever preach the gospel of the cross.

Homeschooling Mom: Satan does not mind if you teach your children all the books of the Bible and all the Ten Commandments and all of the catechism--provided you do not teach them the gospel of a bloody cross.. . .

He will let you get what it is that you want, no matter what it is--sanctity of marriage, environmental protection, orphan care, all of these good and wonderful things--he will allow you to gain those things provided you do not preach and proclaim and live through the power of a cross that cancels his power of condemnation.

He so fears the gospel of a Christ crucified and raised from the dead that he is willing to surrender his entire empire just to appease the threat of it.

This is a rich and very important message, which I commend to you.

I think that all too often, we substitute goodness for holiness. There is nothing wrong with many of the things that Christians deem important, but they are evil if they compete for supremacy with Christ.

Christ alone is to be our treasure.

Our God is a jealous God.

Super cool

Blog post

What if you had the opportunity to meet someone that....

...is the greatest inventor of all time?

...had been closely involved in countless natural disasters?

...saved one of His friends from hungry lions?

...created coffee?

...had three friends thrown into a fire pit and then rescued them?

...asked one close friend to kill his son with a knife?

...wrote poetry, parables, and songs that are all time best sellers?

...killed His son because they both agreed it was best?

...often called the people He loved whores and adulterers?

...is building a really unique place for a chosen few people?

...is invisible?


That would be an amazing meeting.

Everyone's a comedian.....

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going?I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K.,I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides,eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours.So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................AND THE WINNER IS ...

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

This should keep some of you busy for hours....